Ramblings from an Insomniac

I wrote the title for this blog entry just now and thought I was being clever with my made-up word: “insomniac.” When the little squiggly red line didn’t appear, I was shocked and immediately consulted http://www.dictionary.com/ for further investigation of my inventive vocabulary. Turns out I’m not as inventive as I thought. Oh well. The flip side proves that I’m more intelligent than I give myself credit, or perhaps that I’m extremely lucky. It’s a toss-up, really. :)

Anyways, on to the real issue at hand: it's bedtime and I'M WIDE AWAKE AND BUSHY TAILED.

I have been having bouts of insomnia every couple of months for the past year. It started last October when I had several nights in a row where I couldn’t sleep. Then I had another couple of sleepless nights in January. And now I am once again dealing with this terrible condition.

Cure: I have never really had a problem with falling asleep before this last year. Ever. I am that person that can fall asleep anytime, anywhere. I even have that rare Travel Sleeping Disorder (TSD). You know, the one where a person falls asleep after a mere 30 minutes in a car, plane, train, etc… Let me tell ya, I’m not very fun on road trips! So you can imagine how lost I was when I experienced my first episode of insomnia last October. After hours of staying up reading and wasting time on FB, I finally decided to go for a drive. I hoped that my TSD would help get me into my desired state of unconsciousness. So, I got in my car and drove to the next town, 30 miles away, at 3 in the morning. The drive made me sleepy alright, but unfortunately I didn’t factor in the 30 miles I had to drive BACK to my house. I almost didn’t make it back alive. So when the next night of insomnia came along, I got smart and went grocery shopping instead. It turned out to be just as effective and much more practical.

Cause: I think the cause of these spells can be directly associated with various stresses in my life. The first episode occurred during a very stressful time. I was taking a full course load and working part-time. I had long days and not enough hours to complete everything as perfectly as my perfectionist personality would have liked. All the while I was trying to figure out what to do and where to go after my fast-approaching graduation ceremony. Another memorable episode surfaced during a time of great stress due to a dysfunctional relationship. And now, I guess you could say I have great anxiety concerning my overall life and future.

Whine: Cheese? Yes, please!

These past ten months in particular have been very challenging. It seems like every major life decision I have made has failed in one way or another. It’s been very heart-wrenching, discouraging, and has left me feeling hopeless. This is not at all how I pictured my life to be at 25.

I think the most frustrating aspect about my life currently is that I have really, REALLY, tried to take the appropriate time and measures to make the right decisions. I have been prayerful. I have sought after God. I have tried my very best to trust Him completely. And decision after decision, plan after plan has left me broken and in tears. My dreams of being in a loving, godly relationship: crushed. My dreams of having my very own classroom of adorable immpressionable kiddos: crushed. I’m far too stubborn to give up, but I’m just so terrified right now of failing that I really haven’t taken too many steps forward. Rather, I’ve been wallowing in self-pity. I’ve been running. I’ve been ignoring the numerous problems. And I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I’ve been ignoring God.

Resolution: I’m sorry this is such a “Debbie Downer” post. I guess I just needed to confront my struggles and emotions head on. And I’m hoping that doing it publicly will keep me accountable to turning my current, seemingly "rotten" life around. And there are several proactive steps I’m going to work on each day this next week.

1. Stop pulling out my hair.
   
2. Go for a run – one, nice and easy mile.
   
3. Read my Bible.
   
4. Talk to God.
   
5. Make a list of recent BLESSINGS in my life.

I leave encouraged by the inspired words of James and pray for a good night’s rest.
“Come near to God and he will come near to you.” James 4:8